How to Teach Forgiveness to a Child
Sometimes it’s hard to know how to teach forgiveness to a child. You want to teach them to forgive and be humble, but you may wonder how much intervening you need to do versus letting them learn and try to figure it out on their own. In this post, I show you the exact steps to take to teach forgiveness to your child.
My philosophy in parenting is to live, teach, train and love. By live, I mean, be an example to them. In teaching, I’m not talking about academics, although that is important, but I am referring to teaching them God’s Word. By train, I am not just talking about discipline, but training them with the goal to teach or disciple your child. And love them by enjoying and cherishing the children God has given to you.
So, in teaching your children about forgiveness, keep in mind this theme of live, teach, train and love. If you’re an example of humility and forgiveness, teach God’s Word about forgiveness, and train your child in the way they ought to go, you will be well on your way to raising a child with a healthy and biblical view on forgiveness, ultimately, raising disciples for the Lord.
How to Teach Forgiveness to a Child – Model it for Them
More is caught than taught in parenting. So if you want your children to extend mercy, grace and forgiveness to others, be an example of this in your life. When you lose it with your children and yell, or even just lose your patience, go to them and admit wrongdoing.
Say something like “Mommy messed up when she lost her patience and yelled at you. I’m sorry, will you please forgive me?.” I’ve noticed children are so gracious to forgive easily and quickly.
Just think about how you would feel if one of your parents came to you with humility and asked you for forgiveness. Even as an adult, my dad apologized for some wrongdoing that happened in our relationship, 30+ years earlier. I cannot tell you how much that meant to me, even decades later! So humble yourself and go to your children quickly and often to ask for forgiveness.
12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
Col 3:12
Also, model forgiveness for your children by asking for and receiving forgiveness from others in front of them. My husband is very good at this. If we have an argument, especially in front of the children, he often asks for my forgiveness in front of them, and he asks for their forgiveness too. This speaks volumes to our children of how to ask for and give forgiveness in their relationships, and someday with their own spouses.
How to Teach Forgiveness to a Child – Teach God’s Word
How to Teach Forgiveness to a Child : Biblical Truths
- Forgiveness is Required – Why do we forgive? Because God forgave us. As Christians, it’s not an option. God does not say, if you want to forgive, then forgive. God commands it. If we want to be forgiven of our sins, we must also forgive others.
14 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, 15 but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
Matt 6:14-15
2. Forgiveness Does Not Expire – How often are we expected to forgive? As many times as needed. God’s forgiveness never runs out for us and ours ought not to either.
21 Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.
Matthew 18:21-22
3. Forgiveness Sets you Free – Forgiving others is for YOUR peace, not theirs. Hanging on to anger leads to bitterness and resentment, which ultimately leads to physical, emotional and spiritual problems in your life. Explain to kids that hanging on to hurt and anger is like peeling a scab over and over and that it cannot heal. Forgiveness is for your good and helps your heart heal and feel better.
31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
Eph 4:31-32
4. Forgiveness is Given Freely – Should we forgive even when someone does not ask for it? Or even if that person does not know of it? Yes, forgive even when a person doesn’t repent or ask for it. You cannot control what others do, but you can control your reaction.
8 If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.
1 John 1:8
How to Teach Forgiveness to a Child – Teach God’s Wisdom
When teaching God’s wisdom, take the biblical principles you learned above and help your children apply them to their lives.
Start with helping your child recognize their feelings about a situation. Ask them how they feel, and let them know it’s ok to feel hurt or sad about situation.
Also affirm that what other person did was not ok. Forgiveness does not mean what someone did was ok. It might be totally wrong and our children need affirmation. Forgiveness is choosing to let go of the anger and hurt about a situation.
Explain to kids, forgiveness is like letting a balloon go in the sky. Let the anger go and give it to God. Do not hang onto it as it grows into bitterness and resentment.
This supports the biblical truth, that forgiveness is for our good, because it gives us peace when we let go of anger and forgive.
Also, someone may not always say I’m sorry and we still need to forgive. Remind children that we are not responsible for someone else’s actions and that includes others asking for forgiveness. Encourage your children to focus on themselves and what they can do, which is to forgive anyway.
Also, teach kids that while forgiveness is freely given, trust is earned. After they have forgiven someone, it is ok and even wise not to trust that person in a specific area if trust has been broken, such as a repeated offense.
Guide them in how they can set healthy boundaries with that person in that specific area. For example, if a sibling has repeatedly damaged their toys, guide them to say no to that sibling about sharing special toys for a certain amount of time. The sibling will need to earn that trust back and show they will take care of others’ things before they can fully be trusted with their toys again.
How to Teach a Child to Ask for Forgiveness: Step-by-Step
- Consequence for Actions – When necessary give an appropriate consequence for child who did wrong. For example, for a child who threw a toy at someone, take away the toy and put the child in time out. Children don’t learn from punishment, but will learn from appropriate related and reasonable consequence. Stay calm and place the toy out of their reach for three minutes and put them in time out for three minutes. (General rule of thumb for time out is one minute/each year of age).
- Talk About What Happened – When their time out is over, don’t just release them on their way. Ask them what they did. This helps them think about their own actions. Guide them if they are having trouble knowing what they did wrong. Ask them why they did it and if what they did was ok. Ask how they would feel if someone did that to them. Use the golden rule often, to teach children how to empathize with others.
- Have Child Say Sorry and be Specific – Children are not going to automatically apologize. This is something we must repeatedly teach over and over. Remember do not grow weary in doing well. If they refuse, tell them they can stay in time out another minute to think about it or they can go say sorry. Have them say sorry to all offended parties and to be specific in what they are sorry for. In this case, going to the person they threw the toy at and saying “I’m sorry I threw that toy at you.”
- Ask for forgiveness – Many people stop at I’m sorry, but this last step is so important. Saying sorry shows regret for what you did wrong, but asking for forgiveness gives the other person a chance to take action as well. It gives them something to hold and receive. Now the ball is in their court and they can choose to forgive. So after child says, I’m sorry for throwing that toy at you, tell them to say “Will you please forgive me?”
- Make it right – help your child find ways to repair the situation. Ask heart-rooted questions, “What can you do to help make this right?” “How would you feel and what would make you feel better in this situation?” Actions speak louder than words.
How to Teach a Child to Forgive: Step- by- Step
- Allow Your Child to Respond – After the offender apologizes and asks for forgiveness allow your child to respond. Do not force them to forgive.
- Encourage Forgiveness – Encourage them to forgive as soon as they are able and to go back to that person and tell them they forgive.
- Read Bible Verses on Forgiveness – If a child is struggling with forgiving give them some space and find a good time to read the verses and lessons above about forgiveness.
- Pray – Pray with them and individually for God to help them forgive. Allow the Spirit to work in their hearts
How to Teach Forgiveness to a Child – Love your Child
Forgiveness is a process, and some things can be harder to forgive than others. Bigger hurts and pain can be more difficult to forgive or may take more time. Be patient with your children as they learn to ask and receive forgiveness. Praise them for their efforts and let them know you are proud of them. Spending quality time with them and build relationships to win their hearts. Winning their hearts for Jesus leads them to godly character. We can teach and be an example of forgiveness, but our children need to know we love them too. They need to feel loved. As they do, they will want to be pleasing to you and the Lord including having a soft heart that is willing to ask and receive forgiveness often.
