What can I do to manage my own feelings of frustration in parenting?
A couple of months ago, my son really tested my limits. His walkie-talkie broke, and I felt frustrated, wondering if he had caused the damage. The charger cord was cut off, which made me suspicious. He was crying a lot about it, and honestly, I felt annoyed with him. Just moments earlier, he had flooded our bathroom by stuffing too much toilet paper in the toilet for the second or third time that week.
So yeah, I was about to lose it.
In that moment of frustration and overwhelm (I was also trying to pack for an upcoming trip and was starting to feel stressed as the evening progressed), I became aware of my feelings and remembered to take a pause. I’ve been training myself to take a pause in frustrating, stressful, and overwhelming moments.
I pulled out a parenting tool and gave him a hug when he was crying and really upset about his walkie-talkie. He started to calm down, which helped me calm down too.
Something beautiful happened. He made me a card with flowers, branches, and a whole bunch of tape. I kept this sweet card because it reminds me of what can happen when we just take a moment to pause. I can show up and be the kind of mom I desire to be, and I can have those connecting moments with my child.
It doesn’t mean we won’t ever lose it, because we will. We all do. But hopefully, just as in any training, we start to improve and grow in this area. For anything is possible with Christ, including being molded more into His image and becoming more Christ-like.
I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
Phil 4:12-13
So here are three main steps you can take to manage your own feelings of frustration and overwhelm when parenting gets tough:
Three Steps to Manage Your Feelings of Frustration and Overwhelm
- Awareness We can’t change or own what we are not even aware of. Start with being aware of three things – your emotions, thoughts, and the situation. We often glide through life without thinking about what we are thinking or feeling. I noticed I was feeling annoyed, agitated, frustrated, and stressed out by the series of events with my son.
​ - Pause Once I noticed how I was feeling, I took a little pause. The awareness step itself was a bit of a pause. I thought about the situation and what was happening. I talked to God about my thoughts, which were, “He broke that walkie-talkie; I’m mad at him,” “He just flooded the toilet again; I am so frustrated; why does he keep doing this?” Our thoughts come first, then our feelings. It’s easy to see how I felt frustrated, annoyed, and overwhelmed when I took notice of my thoughts. Then I started to ask myself what the situation was. From my thoughts, I could see why I was feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, and annoyed. But when I looked at the situation without emotions, I gathered this information: I didn’t know for sure if he broke it. If he did, he was pretty upset about it. I’m not sure what was happening with him flooding the toilet, but we can keep teaching him how much toilet paper to use. Pausing gives you a moment to think about your emotions, thoughts, and the situation.
Here are several techniques to help you calm down and take a pause:
- Take a deep breath
- Square breathing
- Pray out loud
- Go to your room and pray
- Tell God your emotions and thoughts – I go to my room and walk around to do this
- Talk to a friend
- Journal what you are feeling and thinking
- Ask what is true about the situation? What do you know for sure, and what do you not know?
- Brainstorm your own ideas for how to take a pause and calm down in the moment.
3. Process Emotions with God If you didn’t process your emotions with God during the pause stage, take some time to do it now. Your emotions are not right or wrong; they are just your emotions. It’s what we do with our emotions that matters. It’s important not to condemn ourselves or feel guilty about our emotions. Processing your emotions with God looks like this:
- Tell God what you are feeling
- Share with Him your thoughts
- Ask Him what is true
- Ask what does this mean for me?
Four Key Questions to Process your Emotions with God
Let’s break this down a bit with four key questions to process your emotions with God:
- What am I feeling? What is my emotion? It’s okay to have your feelings. They are not right or wrong; they are just your feelings. Talk to God about your feelings out loud. He will help you process your feelings.
- What are my thoughts? Our thoughts are the stories we tell ourselves, the narrative in our heads. The thought comes first, then our feelings. If I’m telling myself – my child is being defiant, she’s not listening, she’s giving me a hard time – then yeah, we will feel frustrated and upset.
- Is it true? Is it true your child is being defiant? Possibly, but it could also be true that your child is just going through a phase, or it could also be typical three-year-old behavior. It’s completely normal for toddlers to exert their independence and say no or resist parents’ directions. Is it true that she’s giving you a hard time? It may feel like that, but often our children act out because they are having a hard time, not just to give us a hard time. See the difference? Pray and ask God to show you the truth. We want to live in reality and truth. Often, we might not know the whole truth and are basing our emotions and thoughts on assumptions and expectations. There are also times, when our thought is true. That leads us to the next question.
- What does this mean for me? If your thought is true about the situation, then ask yourself, what does this mean for me? In other words, what is the next wise step for me to take? While we can’t control anyone except ourselves, including our children, we can consider what the situation means for us. If it is true that my child is being defiant and I cannot control my child, what is the next wise step for me to take? This might mean setting healthy boundaries, teaching your child, stewarding yourself well, or using a variety of positive and encouraging parenting tools that are taught here.
By answering these questions, you can better navigate your emotions and respond to your child’s behavior in a thoughtful and effective way.
Alright, so I hope these steps help you navigate the challenging moments of parenting with grace and patience. Remember awareness, pause and process emotions with God.
If this resonated with you it’s time for implementation and growth:
Step one: Choose one calming technique to try out this week. Taking a deep breath is an easy one to start with. Choose one that resonates with you most, and start practicing it this week.
Step two: For more insight to cultivating patience in parenting check out this video here.
Prefer reading instead? Check out this blog post here​
Step three: For more help in your parenting to go from feeling exhausted, frustrated and your child not listening to having more peace, joy and your child listening better, join the waitlist for Cultivate Character Academy going on sale later this month.
Blessings in your parenting journey,
Kristin
