How Can I Get My Children to Listen Without Yelling, Nagging, or Lecturing? Tips for Graceful and Loving Parenting
I’m excited to announce a new series that addresses the top questions from Christian moms like you. Whether you’re feeling exhausted, frustrated, discouraged or simply striving to be the best mom that God created you to be, this series is for you. I’m calling it “Graceful Parenting: Summer Series.” You can also submit your own parenting question here, and I may answer it in an upcoming newsletter or blog post.
So, let’s dive in.
Question 1: How can I get my children to listen to me without resorting to yelling, nagging, or lecturing?
One of my coaching clients once shared that she didn’t have the best example of parenting growing up—she was often talked at, not talked to. The way we were parented can significantly influence our own parenting style. I was fortunate to have a mom who was ahead of her time. She valued our thoughts and opinions, believing that everyone, even children, deserves respect.
But I get it—even with a stellar example, children know how to push our buttons! It can quickly escalate from asking your child to do something, to nagging, to lecturing, and then to yelling. Sometimes, we skip all those steps and go straight to yelling because it’s become the only way they will listen. As I get older, I realize my patience can wear thin more quickly (hormones, anyone?).
However, yelling and reacting harshly are not long-term solutions. It’s only a matter of time before our children repeat their behavior, creating a cycle of yelling, a brief calm, and then more acting out.
The first step is recognizing this cycle and acknowledging that our current strategies aren’t effective. They might work temporarily, but they aren’t the long-term, healthy, and godly solutions we desire.
With awareness, let’s embrace a healthy sense of guilt, rather than condemning shame. Guilt says, “I feel bad for what I did.” And if we find ourselves yelling, nagging, lecturing, and reacting harshly, that guilt is a healthy response. However, condemnation and shame say, “I am a bad mom, a bad person, I am bad in general.” This mindset is not constructive and does not lead to positive solutions.
Healthy guilt, on the other hand, can motivate us to seek different solutions and problem-solve. It serves as a driving force to propel us forward in our journey of growth and improvement.
However, even when we acknowledge that something needs to change, we often find ourselves uncertain about how or what to change. But here’s some good news: you are already in the process of change. Change is never easy; it often involves going through stages.
The first step is awareness, as we just discussed. The second stage is contemplative, where you recognize the need for change but may not be sure how or what to change. If you’re here, reading these emails and seeking help with your parenting, you might be in this contemplative stage. You’re beginning to explore solutions and discerning what works and what doesn’t work for your family.
Now that we’ve talked a bit about the process of change, let’s dive into some actionable steps.
Here are 5 steps to help your child listen without resorting to yelling, nagging, or lecturing:
- Fill Up Your Child’s Cup: Often, our children misbehave for a reason. They may want attention or believe that unless they have your constant attention, they don’t matter. They might think, “You can’t make me,” turning things into a power struggle, but what they really want is to help and feel important in the family. They may also think, “I’m hurting, so I’ll hurt you back,” or, “I don’t belong, so why even try?” Children aren’t aware of these beliefs as they lie deep in the subconscious, but they often manifest in their behaviors.
An easy step to proactively address this is to fill up your child’s cup with attention and choices. Giving one-on-one special attention for just 15 minutes a day often helps eliminate many behavioral challenges. Additionally, offering your child limited, age-appropriate choices throughout the day can help eradicate power struggles. Start with these two strategies, and within a week, you will start to see improvements.
- Stay in Control: Model respect and self-control. Take a pause to calm down if needed. Set clear boundaries about not discussing things when someone is yelling. For example, if your child is yelling, calmly state that you will talk when they are calm. This happened with my son recently. He woke up in the car from his nap and started yelling at me about how hungry he was. I didn’t explain or lecture him; I simply said, “I will not talk to you while you’re yelling.” He took a few minutes, calmed himself down, and in a more calm and respectful voice said, “Mom, I’m hungry.” Staying in control means knowing what you will and won’t do. It’s about setting boundaries and knowing your limits. When we allow ourselves to go beyond our limits, that’s when we often lose control of ourselves.
- Related & Reasonable: If you opt for a consequence, make sure it is related and reasonable. We want to teach our children through discipline, not punish them. Punishment sends the message, “You are bad,” while teaching through related consequences says, “This behavior is not okay, and there is a consequence for that.” Again, we want to teach our children healthy remorse, not shame.
Related means the consequence is directly connected to the behavior. For example, if your child breaks their sister’s toy, they need to buy her a new one with their own money. If they have a fit after video game time is over, no more video games for the rest of the day. If they refuse to put their toys away, the toys are put away for a day.
The consequence should also be reasonable in duration. For a young child, a day is reasonable; for older children or teens, a week max is reasonable. Teaching turns into punishment when we ground our children for weeks or months at a time.Be clear with your child about what the consequence will be and how long it will last before you implement it. You only need to say it once. Repeating it over and over turns into lecturing and is no longer teaching.
- Have your child say it back: Have your child repeat the consequence to you before you implement it. Ask, “What will happen if you [specific behavior]?” For example, “What will happen if you throw your toys?” They should respond, “They will be put in time out for the rest of the day.” When they repeat it back, it’s clear to both you and them that they understand what will happen and for how long.
- Take Action: This is paramount – you need to follow through consistently on what you said. Don’t just roll out threats. It’s better not to set a consequence at all than to set one and not follow through. This sends the message that mom may not be serious, and maybe I can get away with this again, I don’t really have to listen. And guess what? You are in the same cycle again of not listening and reacting.Let me know if there’s anything else you’d like to adjust!
These are my five steps to start with to help your child listen without resorting to nagging, yelling, or reacting harshly. And for a cheatsheet of these steps, grab my Raising Disciples Cheatsheet Freebie.
Remember, change is a process, and you won’t get it right every time. Focus on progress and learning over perfection. Realize and accept that you are a limited human, and making mistakes is part of the learning process. When you accept yourself more, you will be able to accept those around you as well, including your children.
Let’s teach our children with grace and love. In doing so, we can reflect the love of Christ to our children, just as Christ is constantly teaching, growing, and molding us more into His image.
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues, put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”
– Colossians 3:12-14
If this resonated with you, here are steps for implementation and growth:
- Get your Freebie Cheat Sheet and share this blog post with a friend.
- Comment below your aha moment.
- Put yourself on the waitlist for the Cultivate Character Academy, a 6-week Christian parenting course that dives into more positive and encouraging tools!
Blessings in your parenting journey,
Kristin
