Effective Discipline with Love and Grace: 5 Key Strategies

What strategies can I use to effectively discipline my children while still showing them love and grace?

Alright, if you read the last top question covered ‘Is spanking biblically supported?’ and you’ve been spanking as one of your main forms of discipline, you may be wondering, what am I supposed to do now? How can I practice effective discipline with love and grace toward my children?”

I loved one reader’s comments – she said I’ve learned that if I’m in a good mood, my children tend to be as well. When I take the time to listen and calm them down by singing or playing a game, they are more likely to listen. In contrast, if I spank them, it leads to a lot more screaming and crying.

If you’re not sure where to start with practicing effective discipline with love and grace, I recommend beginning with these 5 simple steps from the FIRST time method.

Here are 5 steps to discipline while still showing love and grace:

• Fill Up Your Child’s Cup: Often, our children misbehave for a reason. They may want attention or believe that unless they have your constant attention, they don’t matter. They might think, “You can’t make me,” turning things into a power struggle, but what they really want is to help and feel important in the family. They may also think, “I’m hurting, so I’ll hurt you back,” or, “I don’t belong, so why even try?” Children aren’t aware of these beliefs as they lie deep in the subconscious, but they often manifest in their behaviors. ​ An easy step to proactively address this is to fill up your child’s cup with attention and choices. Giving one-on-one special attention for just 15 minutes a day often helps eliminate many behavioral challenges. Additionally, offering your child limited, age-appropriate choices throughout the day can help eradicate power struggles. Start with these two strategies, and within a week, you will start to see improvements. ​
• Stay In Control: Model respect and self-control. Take a pause to calm down if needed. Set clear boundaries about not discussing things when someone is yelling. For example, if your child is yelling, calmly state that you will talk when they are calm. This happened with my son recently. He woke up in the car from his nap and started yelling at me about how hungry he was. I didn’t explain or lecture him; I simply said, “I will not talk to you while you’re yelling.” He took a few minutes, calmed himself down, and in a more calm and respectful voice said, “Mom, I’m hungry.” Staying in control means knowing what you will and won’t do. It’s about setting boundaries and knowing your limits. When we allow ourselves to go beyond our limits, that’s when we often lose control of ourselves. ​
• Related & Reasonable: If you opt for a consequence, make sure it is related and reasonable. We want to teach our children through discipline, not punish them. Punishment sends the message, “You are bad,” while teaching through related consequences says, “This behavior is not okay, and there is a consequence for that.” Again, we want to teach our children healthy remorse, not shame. ​ Related means the consequence is directly connected to the behavior. For example, if your child breaks their sister’s toy, they need to buy her a new one with their own money. If they have a fit after video game time is over, no more video games for the rest of the day. If they refuse to put their toys away, the toys are put away for a day. ​ The consequence should also be reasonable in duration. For a young child, a day is reasonable; for older children or teens, a week max is reasonable. Teaching turns into punishment when we ground our children for weeks or months at a time. Be clear with your child about what the consequence will be and how long it will last before you implement it. You only need to say it once. Repeating it over and over turns into lecturing and is no longer teaching.​ ​
• Have your child Say it back: Have your child repeat the consequence to you before you implement it. Ask, “What will happen if you [specific behavior]?” For example, “What will happen if you throw your toys?” They should respond, “They will be put in time out for the rest of the day.” When they repeat it back, it’s clear to both you and them that they understand what will happen and for how long. ​
• Take Action: This is paramount – you need to follow through consistently on what you said. Don’t just roll out threats. It’s better not to set a consequence at all than to set one and not follow through. This sends the message that mom may not be serious, and maybe I can get away with this again, I don’t really have to listen. And guess what? You are in the same cycle again of not listening and reacting.Let me know if there’s anything else you’d like to adjust!

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

Ephesians 6:4

If this resonated with you, it’s time to start implementing effective discipline with love and grace in your parenting journey.

Step one: Grab my Raising Disciples Cheat Sheet for more tips and help for effectively disciplining with love and grace.

Step two: Since parenting is a marathon, not a sprint, I’m working on something so exciting and big to get more help for your parenting on an ongoing, consistent basis. I’ll be announcing it in a couple of months! 🤗

Step three: For more tips and help connecting with your child and having more peace in your home, ​check out my instagram page.