What to do When your Child Won’t Stop Whining
Few things are as annoying as a whining kid. Whining is an issue of self-control, and in this post, we will learn why kids whine, how to get to the heart of their issue, and how to teach God’s Word and train them in a loving way.
Why Kids Whine?
Children are motivated by what works for them. So if you have a whiner, they are doing it because it works! Sometimes we are so exhausted and don’t know what to do, that we give in to their whining and they get what they want. They also want your attention! And when they whine, you stop what you are doing to give them your attention, even if it’s negative attention.
Whining at its root, is an issue of self-control. It shows a lack of contentment and healthy self-control over one’s thoughts, emotions and tongue. To learn more about teaching your children self-control, check out this post 3 Ways to Teach Children Self-Control.
The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.
Luke 6:45
How to Get your Kids to Stop Whining – Be an Example
When you talk to your children about whining, be respectful and show self-control yourself. Don’t whine and yell at them about their whining.
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Pro 15:1
Also, what example of gratitude and contentment are you showing in your own life? Do they hear a lot of complaining and grumbling from you?
Action Step
Write down 1-3 things you are thankful for each day. You will be surprised that when you stop and remember what you are thankful for, how much your attitude will change.
For more on the power of gratitude, check out the post on Cultivating a Heart of Gratitude in your Children.
Teach your Kids to Stop Whining – Bible Lessons
Teach these biblical lessons about grumbling, whining and complaining when you and your children are calm. You can incorporate it into a morning routine, such as reading the Bible after breakfast or dinner. Even reading the Bible 5 minutes/day to your children will make a huge impact.
3 Biblical Principles about Whining/Complaining
- Take your Complaints to God – David poured out his complaints when he was hiding in a cave from Saul.
With my voice I cry out to the Lord;
with my voice I plead for mercy to the Lord.
I pour out my complaint before him;
I tell my trouble before him.
Psalm 142:1-2
God already knows all our thoughts, emotions and heart, so talk to Him about it. Tell God your frustrations and complaints. Be amazed at how He will gently teach and correct you.
Be willing to be teachable and moldable. God is the One who works on our hearts and molds us.
Encourage your children to go to God with all their feelings, including their complaints. Give examples of how take your complaints to God and how you ask for God’s help.
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7
2. Don’t Complain About Others – Do not complain against each other. Don’t do it to someone or behind their back, which is gossip.
When you have an issue with someone, take your complaint to God first. Ask Him to soften your heart and give you wisdom on how to deal with it.
Take the log out of your own eye first and own your part. Then confront that person with truth in love.
Do not grumble against one another, brothers, so that you may not be judged; behold, the Judge is standing at the door.
James 5:9
3. Do Everything Unto the Lord – Do everything without whining or complaining. Children often sigh, grumble or complain when they are told to do.
Teach your children from a young age to work at everything unto the Lord. Examine your own attitude. Are you sighing or complaining when you wash the dishes? Or doing it unto the Lord?
So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.
1 Cor 10:31
Train your Child to Stop Whining – Be Loving yet Firm
First, get to the heart of the issue. Help them understand by asking them heart-rooted questions.
Ask them “What are you feeling right now?” and “Why are you feeling that way?”
Listen to their answer. Be sympathetic. Say “I’m sorry you are feeling that way right now. That is a tough situation/thing that happened.”
Even if they don’t fully know what they are feeling or why, at least they are beginning to think about the root cause. This helps train them to be aware of their emotions and how they react to them.
Next, be clear about what you expect from them.
Take a few minutes when you are both calm to talk to them about their whining.
Respectfully tell them “I’ve noticed lately when you want something or don’t want to do what I tell you to do, you whine about it. I understand that you feel sad, angry, frustrated, etc. and it is ok to feel that way. But it is not ok to whine or complain about it.”
Then, give them a clear boundary of what will happen if they continue to whine or complain.
Say, “You are old enough now to use your words and accept my answer without grumbling, even if you don’t get what you want. If you continue to whine or complain in the future, I will not respond to you and I will walk out of the room. When you can come to me and use your calm voice again, I will listen to you. However, that does not mean you will always get what you ask for.”
If you are in a public place where you can’t walk away, you could say, “…if you continue to whine, I will not respond to you…or I will not respond to you and we will leave the store.”
Then, train them in the correct way they should ask you for something or how they should respond to your requests.
Say, “Let’s practice an example. When you want a drink of water, you can say in your calm voice, mommy, may I have a drink of water please? Now you practice saying that.”
Or “When mommy says in 5 minutes you need to clean up your toys, you can say yes, mommy.”
We are discipling our kids, so we need to teach them the correct way to behave, not just focus on what they shouldn’t be doing.
Then, tell them to repeat back to you what will happen the next time they whine. This way the boundary is set and everyone is clear on what will happen. Make sure you follow through every time your child whines. If you are not able to follow through, it would be better not to go through this step yet until you are prepared to follow through every time.
Loving them
Spend 15 min/day or 10 min/day two times with each child. Let your child choose what they like to play and follow their lead. Children need to feel some sense of control in their world. The more you can let them make choices, the more positive behavior you will see.
During your quality time with them, focus on encouraging and positive phrases only. Save correction for later if at all possible. Children hear plenty of no’s and correction throughout the day. Save this time for positive praising.
Give them focused time. Put down phones and other distractions. Often when you give them this quality time, many issues and struggles go away.
Remember these four pillars when teaching your children not to whine: Live – be the example, teach – teach God’s Word, train – train with godly wisdom and love – enjoy and spend time with your children.
