What Can I Do to Build a Stronger Connection with My Child When We Feel Disconnected?
I remember a time when I was seeing a counselor about issues in my marriage, and somehow the topic of my youngest daughter came up. I wasn’t sure what to do with her emotions—she could be quite defensive, sometimes backtalk, or even say hurtful things. The counselor said something that flipped a switch in my mind, even after 10 years of parenting:
“Maybe she just wants to be heard and listened to the way you want to be heard.”
I finally understood. Every time she was emotional, I was trying to fix it for her. When she struggled, I offered solutions. When she was upset, I tried to cheer her up or encourage her to be thankful. I was always jumping in to fix or tell her how she should feel because I was uncomfortable with her emotions.
Slowly, I began working on listening more. Empathizing more. Allowing her feelings—all of them, even the uncomfortable, displeasing ones. Sure enough, I saw our bond strengthen. I stopped being a fixer and became more like a guide or coach.
I learned to empathize with simple statements like:
- “Wow, that is hard.”
- “I would be upset about that too.”
- “It’s understandable you feel that way.”
I offered hugs and asked curious questions like:
- “How did you feel?”
- “What was the hardest part?”
- “What solutions can you think of?”
Our relationship isn’t perfect, but it’s so much stronger and closer than it was a few years ago. Now, she comes to me with her hard situations and trusts I will be there for her. She’s grown and matured, and she can regulate her emotions so much more.
So, here are some tips for building connection with your child, especially when you feel disconnected:
First, it’s important to understand the root cause. Disconnection often stems from underlying issues, whether it’s stress, mistaken beliefs like “I don’t belong” or “I’m not enough,” or unmet needs on both sides. If you’re feeling discouraged, it’s very likely your child is feeling the same way. Taking the time to be a detective and understand what’s happening in their world can make all the difference.
You may not always know exactly what’s causing the disconnection, and that’s okay. What’s important is to begin taking small, meaningful steps to reconnect. Often, simply being intentional about spending quality time together can lead to a deeper understanding of what might be going on beneath the surface.
Here are ten practical ways you can start reconnecting today:
1.Special Time:
The Power of One-on-One Moments Setting aside just 10-15 minutes of focused, one-on-one time can make a world of difference. Let your child choose the activity, and give them your full attention. This simple practice helps your child feel valued and reassured that they are a priority.
Example: Let your child choose an activity to do together.
2. Empathize and Listen: The Gift of Being Present One of the most powerful ways to connect is to simply listen—truly listen—without solving the problem. When your child shares, reflect their feelings back. Sometimes, what they need most is to know they’re heard and not alone.
Example: Reflect back what they say: “I hear you’re upset. Want to talk about it?” or “Wow, that’s hard. I’d be upset too.”
3. Physical Touch and Affection A hug, holding hands, or even a simple hand on their shoulder can convey warmth, safety, and acceptance. Small, positive gestures create a sense of closeness.
Example: Offer a hug during difficult moments.
4. Closet Listening: The Power of Quiet Presence Sometimes the best connection comes from just being there. Sit next to them quietly, without trying to teach or fix. Over time, they may start opening up, knowing you’re simply there to support them.
Example: Sit in your child’s room while they are building something with blocks or drawing. Just sit quietly and watch without offering advice or corrections, creating a safe space for them.
5. Be Present During Routines Daily Routines, like car rides, cleaning up or getting ready, are perfect opportunities for connection. Use this time to talk or just be present.
Example: Use car rides to talk and listen—such a great opportunity for connection.
6. Ask Open-Ended Questions Ask your child questions that require more than a yes or no answer.
Example: “What was the best part of your day today?” encourages your child to share more about their experiences and feelings.
7. Laugh and Be Silly Laughter helps release tension and creates positive energy.
Example: Make funny faces or tell a joke during breakfast to get everyone laughing. It helps lighten the mood and builds a positive connection.
8. Go on One-on-One Dates I love one-on-one dates with my kids! Schedule special one-on-one outings with your child and put it in your calendar at the beginning of the month before your schedule gets full! These outings help your child feel valued and give them your full attention, creating lasting memories.
Example: Schedule one-on-one outings like getting ice cream or going for a walk.
9. Cook or Eat Together Cooking meals or enjoying family dinners creates a connection. Let them help in the kitchen, or ask them about their day while eating.
Example: Ask your child to help stir the pancake batter while you chat about their day, making the experience both fun and interactive.
10. Share a Hobby Find an activity you both enjoy, like baking, gardening, or crafting. Shared interests foster connection.
Example: My daughter and I love doing art projects together, while another enjoys baking.
The Relationship Path
Remember, God is all about relationship, and that’s what we want to focus on in our parenting too. In fact, the Relationship Path is the 5-phase framework I use in the Graceful Parenting Tribe membership.
I love this reminder of God’s compassion for us:
“As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him.”
Psalm 103:13
Let’s receive God’s compassion in our own lives and let it overflow into our relationship with our children, nurturing them with empathy and care—just like He nurtures us.
Here are three key takeaways:
- Connection is built on small, consistent moments of being present.
- Listening and empathizing are powerful ways to deepen your bond.
- God models perfect compassion—let’s receive that gift from Him and let it flow into our parenting.
If this resonated with you, it’s time for implementation and growth:
Grab my freebie, “10 Simple Ways to Connect with Your Child”
Step two: Answer this survey and grab my free updated Raising Disciples Guide!
Blessings on your journey, Kristin
P.S. If this was helpful, feel free to share it with a friend who might need a little extra encouragement today!
