Teaching Respect with Kind and Firm Parenting

Last month, my daughter was working hard on a birthday gift for her dad. She was so excited to print out some photos, as his birthday was the next day. I let her use my phone to search for pictures, and she was deep into it, lying on the bed and scrolling through memories. But then, I realized I had a work call coming up and needed my phone back.

I gently said, “Hi, honey, I need my phone back soon. I have a call starting in a few minutes.” She immediately responded with frustration. “Whaaaat…” she moaned, and tears began to flow. “I’m not done!” she cried out, her voice full of discouragement. “I’ll never finish,” she sobbed, overwhelmed by her emotions.

I could feel the tension rising in my own body. The meeting was about to start, and I didn’t have time for this unexpected outburst. My shoulders tensed, and my breath grew shallow. But I remembered the importance of staying calm, firm, and kind.

I took a deep breath, steadied myself, and responded, “I love you, AND I need my phone for my call.” Her tears continued, and I empathized with her disappointment, but I stood firm. I then used another tool: “When I’m done with my call, then you can have the phone back to finish.” She was still upset and crying, but I calmly closed the door to take my call.

Did I feel a little guilty? Yes. Was it hard to see my child so upset? Absolutely. She wasn’t happy with me at that moment, and it’s never easy to watch our children struggle. But as parents, it’s important to understand that our job isn’t to make our kids happy all the time or to give in whenever they’re disappointed. Sometimes, letting them experience frustration is exactly what they need.

When my call was over, true to my word, I gave her the phone. She picked out the picture she wanted in the car later, and she ended up ordering her dad’s gift in time. She was fine, and she realized she could still finish what she needed to do.

The point of this story is that parenting involves helping our children and also meeting our needs and the needs of the situation. We can be kind—listening to their feelings and validating their emotions—and firm, holding boundaries and not giving in, all at the same time. This is how we teach respect and guide our children to better follow instructions. Our children won’t always be happy with us, and that’s okay. It’s not our job to keep them happy 100% of the time. Instead, we can use tools that allow us to be both kind and firm, giving our children the space and faith to learn how to handle life’s disappointments.

After my call, things settled, and I was reminded once again of the delicate dance we do as parents—being kind and firm. It’s not easy, and it doesn’t always feel good in the moment, but it’s worth it for our kids. So, let’s dive into some key principles for teaching respect that can help guide us through those tough moments.

Key Principles for Teaching Respect

1. Respect Breeds Respect:​
We all want our children to be respectful, right? But the truth is, respect starts with us. If we want our children to learn respect, we need to model it. That means speaking to them kindly and listening to their feelings, even when we’re holding a firm boundary. It’s about setting the tone and showing them that respect goes both ways.

2. Listen to Your Child:​
I know it’s tempting to brush off their complaints or worries, especially when we’re busy or stressed. But listening doesn’t mean we’re being permissive; it’s about showing our kids that their voice matters. When we truly hear them out, they feel seen and understood, which actually makes them more likely to listen to us in return. It’s a way to connect, even if the answer is still no.

3. Set Boundaries with Love:​
Children need boundaries—they actually thrive on them. Boundaries give them a sense of security because they know what to expect. But those boundaries need to be set with love. It’s like saying, “I care about you, and that’s why I’m holding this line.” When we set clear, loving boundaries, we create an environment where respect and safety go hand in hand.

4. Follow God’s Example:​
Finally, let’s remember who we’re trying to emulate. God is the perfect example of authority combined with grace and love. He leads us firmly but gently, with unending patience and compassion. As parents, we can look to His example and pray for the wisdom and strength to parent in a way that reflects His heart.

The Balance Between Kind and Firm Parenting

So here’s where things get real: finding that sweet spot between being kind and firm at the same time. It’s not always easy, and if you’re like me, you might feel like you’re constantly swinging from one extreme to the other. Let’s talk about what that looks like.

Sometimes we lean too firm. We’ve all been there, right? You’re fed up, and the next thing you know, you’re saying things like, “I’m not going to tell you again! Pick up your toys or they’re going in the trash!” Or maybe, “You better listen, or you’ll lose all your privileges!” It’s harsh, and while it might get a reaction, it doesn’t build respect or connection.

Then there’s the other side—being too kind, or, let’s be honest, permissive. Maybe you find yourself saying, “Fine, go ahead, but this is the last time.” Or, “Okay, I’ll give you 5 more minutes… again.” It feels easier in the moment, but over time, it leads to kids who don’t respect boundaries because, well, they never really have to.

The problem? When we keep swinging between these extremes, it creates a cycle of inconsistency and frustration. Our kids end up confused and push back even more, which only makes us feel like we’re losing control.

So, what’s the answer? It’s being kind and firm at the same time. And I know that might sound impossible, but it really does work. Here’s how:

• “I love you, AND it’s time to go to bed.” You’re setting the boundary with love, not anger.
• “I hear you don’t want to stop playing, that is understandable AND it’s time to clean up.” You’re validating their feelings while still holding the line.
• “I love you, AND the answer is no.” You’re staying connected while being clear.

It’s about being compassionate and understanding but not bending the rules. Our kids won’t always like it, and that’s okay. What matters is that they feel respected and know we mean what we say. Over time, this balance helps them learn to respect boundaries and listen better—and it helps us parent in a way that feels more peaceful and purposeful.

Spiritual Encouragement: God’s Example

When I think about the balance between kindness and firmness, I’m reminded of God’s perfect example. The Bible says, “The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.” (Psalm 103:8) Isn’t that beautiful? God leads us with authority, but it’s always wrapped in grace and love.

As parents, we’re called to reflect His heart. It’s not about being harsh or permissive; it’s about showing our kids that we can be strong and loving at the same time. When we parent this way, we create an environment where our children respect authority because they feel secure and loved. And that’s a gift that can shape their hearts for a lifetime.

If this resonated with you, it’s time for some real-life implementation! Remember, practice makes progress, and we’re all in this together.

Step One: Practice Using “AND” Statements

Go through your day and look for moments where you can be both kind and firm. Try using the “AND” in different scenarios. For example, “I hear you don’t want to stop playing, AND it’s time to clean up.” It might feel a little awkward at first, but stick with it—you’ll get the hang of it!

Step Two: Reflect and Learn

When you catch yourself leaning too kind or too firm (because let’s be honest, we all do!), take a few minutes to reflect. Think about what happened and how you could respond differently next time, balancing kindness and firmness. This reflection helps you become more aware and proactive in your parenting.

Step Three: Grab My Updated Raising Disciples Cheat Sheet​

I’ve recently updated my Raising Disciples Cheat Sheet to give you even more practical tools for this journey. If you don’t have it yet, grab your copy here and keep it handy as you practice being kind and firm! And if you know a friend who could use a little extra encouragement and support, go ahead and spread the love—share this email with them!

Blessings in your parenting journey,

Kristin

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