Teaching Children Obedience
One of the most important things to teach our children when they are young is obedience. This is the one thing God commands of children.
Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may go well with you in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.
Deut 5:16
When we teach our children to obey, we are preparing them to obey God now and in the future. It takes training to obey. When you teach your children to obey right away, you are teaching them to listen to God right away too.
As children get older, it is still important for them to listen and obey, but the dynamics of the relationship starts to change. You ask more questions, instead of just telling them what to do. You give them more independence and choices. You allow natural consequences to teach them more often.
Obedience is submitting to authority. In raising children, parents tend to have one of these approaches:
- Passive – parents don’t enforce or follow through with rules. Parents tend to be codependent and do things for their children, instead of allowing children to fail. The child rules.
- Authoritarian – parent is like dictator to child. Parent is on a higher level, and child on a lower level expected to obey like a robot.
- Authority – Parent is authority, yet there is a mutual respect. Parent expects child to listen and obey, but views child as a person, and approaches them with same respect they would like in return. Best motto for authority is to be firm, but kind.
Many parents may use more than one style when parenting, but there tends to be one style they follow most often.
The best approach is to parent with authority. Expect obedience, but also know children are people and treat them with respect and the way we would want to be treated. Use the golden rule.
For example, if someone needs to use the computer you are using and they say “get off the computer now,” that would not feel respectful or kind. Instead, someone telling you they need to use the computer and asking you to get off in a few minutes, feels much more respectful. It gives you a few minutes to finish what you are working on.
Now think of when your children are on the computer. Do you tell them, “it is time to get off the computer now. ” Or do you say “you have five more minutes and then you need to get off the computer.”
The first way is authoritarian, expecting child to obey without showing mutual respect. The second way still lets the child know they need to get off the computer, but it gives them a few minutes to finish up what they are doing. This shows mutual respect and treats the child they way you would want to be treated.
Also, children need and want discipline. They will test the boundaries, but when you follow through on what you say, you are showing they can trust your authority. You are providing stability for them.
Think of your parenting like a home. Your home provides security and protection for your family. Children will try to test the walls and try to push them down. It is important and good for your children to see that those walls are firm and cannot be pushed over. That their home is secure, protective and good for them.
So let’s dive in to the three ways of training our children in obedience – being an example to them, teaching them through God’s Word and wisdom and loving them unconditionally.
Teaching Obedience to Children – Live by example
How can we be an example of obedience when our children are the ones to obey us? By showing that we are doing our best to obey God. We want to obey God first in every area of our lives.
None of us can do this perfectly. If we could, we wouldn’t have a need for our savior Jesus. We are all sinners and fall short of obedience to God.
However, we do want to grow in this area. It is important to start with examining your life. Pray and ask God to search your heart and reveal to you any areas He wants you to surrender to Him.
Spend 10-15 minutes journaling and asking yourself these questions:
- What did you learn about obedience as a child?
- What style of parenting did your parents mostly use with you; passive, authoritarian or authority?
- What style do you feel you use most often? How can you improve?
- In what areas are you obeying God?
- What areas do you struggle to obey God?
- What can you release to God? Pray and ask for His help.
Next, we want to make sure we teach all things from a biblical perspective. Below are three biblical principles to teach to your children. You can teach these as part of your morning devotion, or talk about them as you see fit, applying them in your everyday lives.
Teaching Obedience to Children – 3 Biblical Lessons
Why should we obey? Let’s search the scriptures to teach our children the importance of why we obey.
1. God Commands It
Obedience is living God’s way. Since God commands children to honor and obey their parents, they are also following God’s way and obeying Him.
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
Eph 6:1
2. There is Blessing in Obedience
There is blessing in living a right life. We have a choice of what paths to take. Following God’s path each step of the way provides a smoother ride and there are blessings in following His way.
The righteous who walks in his integrity—
blessed are his children after him!
Pro 20:7
3. Obedience Shows Love for God
God doesn’t need anything from us. But when thinking about what we actually have to offer the Lord, the best thing we can give Him is ourselves. Completely surrendering in obedience to His will is one of the greatest gifts we can give to our Lord and one of the greatest ways to show we love Him.
I appeal to you therefore, brothers,[a] by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.[b]
Rom 12:1
Teaching Obedience to Children – God’s Wisdom
What is considered being obedient? Is it obedient to wait or do half the job? How about doing what you are told, but doing it with a grumbling and complaining attitude. No, none of those are complete obedience. And incomplete obedience is disobedience. Teach children these 3 values in being obedient:
1. Do it Right Away
Being obedient means following through right away. As parents, we don’t want to keep repeating ourselves and feeling like a nag. Be clear about your expectations with your child and give them a time limit. For example, I need you to clean your room in 15 minutes and I am setting the timer. Also be clear about consequences. If it’s not complete when the timer goes off x, y, z will happen.
2. Do it All the Way
A job half done is not a job completed. Same with our obedience. It’s not obedience if we clean half our room when the expectation is to clean the whole room. Be clear about what you expect. Go over the rules before. To continue with the cleaning your room example, you could say, “when I tell you to clean your room I expect your bed to be made, all the toys to be picked up and put in their right places. Toys shoved in the closet or under your bed does not count.”
3. Do it Joyfully
It is easier to set consequences to shape our children behaviors. It is difficult and quite honestly impossible in our own strength to change our children’s heart.
However, there are things you can do to encourage them to choose a good attitude. Have joy yourself when you are cleaning or doing things you ask of them. Our example goes a long way. Praise them for their efforts.
Make it fun when you can. Turn on music as you clean, or make it into a game, counting the toys and seeing who puts away the most. Give an incentive or privilege when appropriate for immediate obedience.
Encourage them or gently remind them when they are having a grumbling attitude. Remind them they have a choice and they can choose to do it unto the Lord, which means doing it a joyful heart.
Grumbling and complaining is often an issue of self control. When they are relaxed, talk to them about this. Ask them how they think they are doing in this area. Do they think they do what they are asked with a good attitude, saying yes mom, or do they let out a huge sigh every time you tell them to do something.
Encourage them to try and choose an attitude of gratitude. For more on this, check out my post on Cultivating a Heart of Gratitude in your Children.
You can also set consequences for grumbling. For our family, if chores are not done with a good attitude, they will not get paid for that chore (they are a still expected to complete it). You could also take away some other sort of privilege or reward for whining.
Teaching Children Obedience – Loving them
When we look at our children’s and obedience, we can search the motive behind it. Are they obeying because it’s the right thing to do, or just to stay out of trouble.
We cannot change our children’s hearts, but through our example and love, we can build connecting relationships that win our children’s hearts.
We want to be winnsome for Christ, and this applies to the closest relationships in our lives, including our kids.
Talking and listening to them about the areas they struggle in when you are both calm can be game changers.
Humble yourself first, and let them know how you struggle, maybe with something similar or relatable. Share with them what has helped you or how you are seeking the Lord’s help in it.
Ask them how they think they are doing in this area. Also ask if they have ideas of what can help them overcome their struggle. You may be surprised at their answer!
Often, I think I know best how to solve my children’s struggles, but when I sit down and listen to their ideas and solutions I am often surprised that is something completely different from what I was thinking. Yet it is their own solution that works best for them!
Again, humble yourself and ask for forgiveness when you mess up. When you show humility in your parenting, it is easier for them to humble and accept their faults and shortcomings.
They will respect you and want to obey you. Children naturally want to please their parents.
Now it’s your turn! In what specific area are your children struggling with obedience?
