The Art of Patience: Practical Habits to Transform Parenting Challenges
Every few weeks, I answer a parenting question on my blog. If this question can help you or a loved one, I encourage you to read this blog post and share it. Also, if you want to ask your own parenting question, please submit it here.
Today’s Question
I found today’s question from an anonymous reddit.com post. The question paraphrased is:
I have a 3.5 year old daughter who I love more than the world. I made it my goal to work on my patience with her. I’d been doing so good, trying to remind myself she is just a child.
These past couple days I’ve been unable to control my angry outbursts. Simple things like her refusing to brush her teeth or pick up her toys have enraged me. I feel so horrible for yelling at her. I’ve been trying to walk away and give myself a few seconds but that only helps temporarily.
I could really use some tips and pointers on what works for other parents when they feel their patience wearing thin. I do not want to be this angry parent. Both my mom and dad are impatient people and I don’t want to continue the cycle with my own children.
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Here’s the answer:
Patience is definitely a skill that is learned. We are not all born with a lot of patience, nor do we always have the best examples of it growing up. But the good news is we can learn how to be more patient. At the root patience is an issue of self-control and definitely an area to be asking God to help us grow in.
It’s such a great goal to be more patient with your daughter and I commend you for that. You said you’ve been trying to walk away and give yourself a few seconds but that it only helps temporarily. If I was with you in person, I would ask how you know it’s only temporary? Often, we have not established the habit yet and so we return back to the old habit of yelling out of anger. However, it will work eventually, if you continue replacing bad habits with good ones.
3 Habits to Become More Patient in Parenting
Here are three things you can work on to establish as a habit, so that you can work towards replacing those negative habits of yelling and angry outbursts, and instead showing up as the mom you want and desire to be, patient and in-control.
- Awareness – The first step is to be aware of your goal. You have already done that, so you have already done one of the hardest things. Acknowledging and realizing you want to be a more patient parent is the first step. Without awareness of our goal, we won’t change. One step towards more awareness is doing an exercise that helps you discover your core self. Ask yourself these questions – Who am I at the core of my being? Who do I want to be? What kind of mom do I want to show up as? Who does God say that I am and is molding me to be? Take five minutes and draw a big circle. In that circle, write down the characteristics of the person you want to be. Patient, in-control, empathetic, good listener, kind and firm, emotionally available, fun, may be a few qualities that you write down.
- Take a Pause – The second step is to take a pause. One of the best things you can do when you start getting angry and before it boils to an outburst is to take a pause. Throughout the day, take note and start becoming aware of how you are feeling. Often, we are on autopilot as moms trying to get it all done, we just ignore our feelings, push them down and continue on. This can cause great problems later when we have allowed ourselves to boil up to the point of outbursts and yelling. So get into the practice of thinking about your feelings, not to condemn yourself or feel ashamed, but to be curious about them. Part of taking a pause could be taking a deep breath. It could mean square breathing. Breathing is a simple step you can do in the moment to help you immediately calm down. It could also mean going to your room, locking the door for a few minutes, and talking to God about your feelings and thoughts. Brainstorm and test out what methods work best to help you take a pause.
- Process Your Emotions and Thoughts With God – While you’re in your pause moment, ask yourself these three key questions:
Three Key Questions to Process your Emotions with God:
- What am I feeling? What is my emotion? It’s ok to have your feelings. They are not right or wrong, they are just your feelings. Talk to God about your feelings out loud. He will help you process your feelings.
- What are my thoughts? Our thoughts are the stories we tell oursleves, the narrative in our head. The thought comes first, then our feelings. If I’m telling myself – my child is being defiant, she’s not listening, she’s giving me a hard time, then yeah, we will feel frustrated and upset.
- Is it true? Is it true your child is being defiant? Possibly, but it could also be true that your child is just going through a phase, or it could also be possible that this is just typical 3 year-old behavior. It’s completely normal for toddlers to exert their independence and say no or resist parents’ directions. Is it true that she’s giving you a hard time? It may feel like that, but often our children act out because they are having a hard time, not just to give us a hard time. See the difference? Pray and ask God to show you the truth. We want to live in reality and truth. Often, we might not know the whole truth and are basing our emotions and thoughts on assumptions and expectations.
After you take a break to process your feelings and thoughts, and ask the Holy Spirit for guidance in the truth, then you can brainstorm reasonable and logical solutions. For example, you might brainstorm and come up with the following solutions for your child not brushing her teeth.
What to Do When Your Toddler Won’t Brush Their Teeth:
- Establish a routine – Say to your daughter, “Let’s come up with a bedtime routine. What do you need to do at night to get ready for bed?” Have your child draw or find pictures to create the routine on a big poster board.
- Ask motivational questions – Ask questions instead of telling her what to do. For example instead of “Go brush your teeth” say, “What can you do to get your teeth squeaky clean?”
- Give limited choices – Say, “Would you like to brush your teeth first or get your pj’s on?”
- Having a family meeting – 3 years-old is pretty young to have a full on family meeting, however you could do a quick one by saying, I’ve noticed lately it’s been a challenge for you to brush your teeth at night. What kinds of things would help you? Brainstorm together all the ideas you can think of – there are no good or bad ideas, just list them all and be positive. Then together choose one of the ideas and try it out for a week. Children are much more likely to cooperate when they’ve been involved in the decision-making process.
- Go together – Say, “It’s time to brush teeth, let’s do it together, mom will go get her toothbrush.” Often with young children going together is very motivating and helps the job get done without the power struggles.
Final Thoughts
Patience is a skill that develops over time, so be kind to yourself as you navigate the challenges of parenting. Start establishing the three habits to help you grow in patience – awareness, taking a pause and processing your emotions with God. God’s grace is sufficient and abundant for you!
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2 Cor 12:9
