Parenting a Strong-Willed Child: 5 Practical Tips for Success
Every now and then, I get a question from a fellow Christian mom, just like you, right in the thick of parenting. Whether you’re feeling exhausted, frustrated, or overwhelmed by the challenges of parenting a strong-willed child, I want you to know that there’s hope. Friend, I’m here to remind you—you’re not alone. I pray this message brings you hope, clarity, and a little encouragement as we navigate the challenges of parenting a strong-willed child together.
If you ever have specific parenting questions or challenges on your heart, please feel free to submit them here. I’d love to tackle them in an upcoming newsletter or blog post, so we can walk this journey together.
In case you missed any of our recent topics, here’s a quick recap:
- How do I hold my child accountable for their actions while still showing them grace and forgiveness?
- What can I do to build a stronger connection with my child, especially when we seem disconnected?
Now onto this week’s question:
“What do I do when my 4-year-old daughter pushes back on everything I ask her to do? For example, brushing her teeth, getting dressed, or even how long I stay in her room at bedtime. She always insists on ‘just one more minute,’ and if I leave when I said I would, she cries and has a meltdown. She also wants me to do everything for her, like washing her or helping her get dressed, even though I’m trying to teach her independence. I’ve been using ‘when, then’ routines to set clear expectations, but it still feels like such a battle. Help! She’s a persistent little girl, and I’m feeling worn out.”
Answer:
Oh, friend, I totally get it. Parenting a strong-willed, determined child can be so exhausting and frustrating at times. I’ve been there, more times than I care to admit. My youngest? He’s such a determined little guy, and there are days when it feels like every single thing turns into a pushback or a battle. Whether it’s getting him to brush his teeth, pick up his toys, or do anything that doesn’t require my help, it can completely wear me down. And let me just say—you’re doing amazing by using tools like “when, then.” It’s clear how committed you are to guiding and teaching your child, and that dedication is something to be proud of!
Why Strong-Willed Children Challenge Us
I know how hard it can be because I’ve been there too. I remember just recently, we were all sick, the house was a complete disaster, and I was feeling so stressed. You know how it goes—when you’re finally ready to tackle the mess, it feels like the kids’ resistance ramps up even more. My son was whining and crying, saying he didn’t want to clean up. I tried reminding him, coaxing him, and being patient, but nothing was working. Eventually, I lost my cool and snapped, yelling, “Get in your room and don’t come out until you’ve picked up 10 things!” Cue even more tears. And of course, the guilt hit me hard later.
Shifting Perspective
But then I stopped and reminded myself of something I’ve learned over the years—our kids aren’t giving us a hard time; they’re having a hard time. So I went back to him, apologized for yelling, and we tackled it together. I helped him gather all his toys into a pile, and then he worked on putting them away one by one. It wasn’t perfect, but we made it through.
Here’s what that moment taught me: it’s not always easy, and we’re all going to have times when we lose our cool or feel completely stuck. But with a shift in perspective and some practical tools, those tough moments can turn into meaningful opportunities to teach, connect, and grow together.
That day reminded me that our kids are still learning—just like we are. When we approach their behavior with curiosity and compassion, we open the door to guide them toward independence while strengthening our connection. And isn’t that what we’re all striving for? To teach and guide in a way that builds trust, love, and respect?
Mistaken Goals
Let’s dive deeper into this idea—because you’re not alone, and there’s so much hope here. One of the most powerful ways we can understand our kids’ behavior is by recognizing something called mistaken goals. It’s a concept that has helped me tremendously when my kids push back or seem resistant. Let me explain what that looks like and how it might be showing up in your situation.💛
Why Your Emotions Are Key to Understanding Behavior
Let’s pause for a moment and think about how you’re feeling in these tough situations. When your daughter resists or melts down, what comes up for you? Do you feel frustrated? Irritated? Maybe even a little guilty for how you react? Those feelings are so normal—I’ve felt every one of them too. But here’s the thing: those emotions can actually be really helpful clues about what might be going on beneath the surface of your child’s behavior.
Recognizing Your Child’s Beliefs
What I’ve learned is that our kids’ behaviors often come from what’s called a mistaken goal or belief. Sometimes, they’re acting out of an idea that isn’t true, but they don’t realize it’s a mistake. For example, a child might think, “I only matter when I keep you busy with me,” or, “I’m only important when I get special service from you.” Of course, as parents, we know that’s not true—they matter simply because they’re ours and because they’re God’s children! But to them, that mistaken belief feels very real.
When we can see that our kids aren’t giving us a hard time but are actually having a hard time, it helps us respond with more compassion. They’re not trying to make life difficult—they’re navigating these big emotions and ideas the best way they know how. And that’s where we come in, not to fix everything for them, but to guide them through it.
If your daughter’s constant need for help feels overwhelming or if it leaves you feeling annoyed or guilty, this might be her mistaken belief at play. She may mistakenly believe she has to keep you engaged all the time to feel loved and important. While it’s a “mistaken” goal, it’s still a very real need for her that we can address with both kindness and clear boundaries.
The good news? There are intentional, practical steps you can take to help her overcome this mistaken belief and to teach her that she matters no matter what. Let’s dive into some tools you can try this week to help guide her—and yourself—through these tough moments. You’ve got this, and I’m here to help!
Practical Tips for Parenting a Strong-Willed Child
Here are some practical tools you can try that will help your daughter feel loved and important without reinforcing her mistaken belief. When parenting a strong-willed child, it’s important to focus on connection before correction. Taking a moment to listen and understand their perspective can help diffuse power struggles and foster mutual respect.
These small steps can go a long way toward creating more peace and connection in your home:
Focus on Connection Before Correction
- Redirect attention
When she’s resisting, try involving her in a useful task that helps her feel genuinely helpful. For example, “Can you be my special helper and hand me the towels to fold?” This shifts her focus and gives her a sense of purpose. - Say what you will do
Use simple phrases like, “I love you and will spend time with you later,” to affirm her need for connection while still setting a boundary. This shows her that she’s loved even when you’re not immediately meeting her demands. - Avoid special services
Gently encourage her to take ownership of tasks like getting dressed or brushing her teeth. For example, instead of jumping in to “rescue” her, you might say, “I know you can handle this. I’ll be right here if you need me.” - Say it once and act
Avoid getting caught in back-and-forth negotiations. Once you’ve clearly communicated the expectation, calmly follow through. For example, if you’ve said you’ll leave the room in one minute, stick to it—kindly but firmly. - Have faith in her ability
Trust her to handle her feelings, even if there are tears or a meltdown. This is hard, I know, but sometimes letting her work through those big emotions is the best gift you can give her. You’re teaching her resilience. - Plan special time
Set aside intentional one-on-one time each day, even if it’s just 10-15 minutes. Filling her “attention bucket” proactively can make a big difference in how much she seeks your attention in other moments. - Set up routines
Consistent routines help reduce power struggles because your child knows what to expect. For example, a bedtime chart with pictures can remind her of the steps without needing reminders from you. - Problem-solve together
If there’s a recurring struggle, invite her to help brainstorm solutions. For instance, “Bedtime has been tough lately. What ideas do you have to make it go more smoothly?” You might be surprised at her willingness to help. - Ignore (with a gentle touch)
When she’s trying to keep you engaged, sometimes a simple, reassuring touch—like a hug or a hand on her shoulder—can say, “I see you and I care” without reinforcing the behavior. - Use nonverbal signals
Develop simple signals for communication, like a thumbs-up for encouragement or a special hand sign for “I love you.” This can help her feel connected without words.
Which of these ideas feels most doable for you right now? You don’t have to try them all at once—pick one or two that resonate and focus on those this week. Remember, small changes can lead to big shifts over time. You’ve got this! 💛
Encouragement for Christian Moms
Remember, parenting is hard work, but God sees your efforts. Galatians 6:9 reminds us to not grow weary in doing good, for the seeds you plant today will grow into a beautiful
“Let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”
Galatians 6:9
I pray this message brings you hope, clarity, and a renewed sense of purpose as you continue parenting a strong-willed child with God’s guidance.
Implementation and Growth
If this resonated with you, it’s time for implementation and growth:
Step One: This is exactly the kind of work we dive into in the Graceful Parenting Tribe—with group coaching, parenting workshops, and lessons to help you turn these ideas into real-life changes. If this sounds like something you’d benefit from, keep an eye out for details in December!
Step Two: If you’re just starting out and feeling stuck with getting your child to listen, my Raising Disciples Bootcamp will be on sale during Black Friday next week. It’s a great way to get started with practical, faith-based tools for parenting.
Step three: If this idea of mistaken beliefs resonates, check out the Mistaken Goal Chart by Positive Discipline. Start with Column 2 by getting curious about how you’re feeling after a specific situation with your child—annoyed, irritated, or guilty? Then, explore the other columns to see if they align with your child’s behavior. If they do, that’s your hypothesis for their mistaken goal, and Column 8 offers positive tools you can try this week!
Blessings in your parenting journey,
Kristin
P.S Let’s Stay Connected on Instagram!
Want more daily encouragement, practical tips, and behind-the-scenes peeks into my parenting journey? Follow me on Instagram @raisingdisciplesmom! I’d love to connect with you there and hear how you’re doing.
