How do I get my children to stop fighting?

Hello friends!

Every few weeks, I answer a parenting question on my blog. If this question can help you or a loved one, I encourage you to read this blog post and share it. Also, if you want to ask your own parenting question, ​please submit it here.​

Today’s Question:

“How can I handle constant arguing between my sons, who have a 5-year and a 7-year age gap?”

Answer:

Thank you so much for your question about siblings who are constantly arguing with each other. If we were chatting over lunch, I would ask you a few questions. First, what kind of relationship do you desire for your children to have with each other? What does a dream sibling relationship look like? And does a typical sibling relationship look like? I would then have you brainstorm for each and ask what you thought and felt about your lists.

Then, I’d want to know what you’ve already tried. It’s always good to know what tactics you’ve given a shot so we can figure out what might work best moving forward.

Sibling Rivalry: Nothing New Under the Sun

First things first, let’s acknowledge that sibling rivalries are par for the course in family life. Sibling rivalry has been going on since the beginning of time. Think about it—Cain and Abel, Jacob and Esau—they all had their fair share of sibling drama. So we see from the beginning that conflict is a part of growing up and learning how to navigate relationships. So, it’s totally normal for your kids to butt heads from time to time. But here’s the silver lining: these conflicts can actually be valuable learning opportunities. They teach our children important skills like conflict resolution, communication, and empathy. So, while it might be frustrating to witness all the bickering, it’s reassuring to know that it’s just a normal part of the journey.

Why Siblings Fight?

You know, sibling fights are like a rite of passage in family life, aren’t they? There are so many reasons why siblings might find themselves at odds with each other. Sometimes it’s about sharing toys or personal space, other times it’s about vying for attention or asserting independence. And let’s not forget about those classic cases of sibling rivalry, where one might feel jealous or resentful of the other’s achievements or perceived favoritism. Plus, as kids grow and develop, they’re constantly testing boundaries and figuring out who they are, which can lead to clashes with their siblings along the way. But through all the bickering and squabbles, there’s often a deeper bond at play—one that’s built on love, loyalty, and the shared experience of growing up together.

Here are the top 10 reasons why Siblings Fight

Here are the top 10 reasons why siblings might find themselves in conflict:

1. Competition: Siblings often compete for attention, affection, and resources, leading to rivalry and conflict.
2. Sharing: Arguments over toys, belongings, or personal space are common triggers for fights among siblings.
3. Jealousy: Feelings of jealousy can arise when one sibling perceives the other as receiving preferential treatment or achieving success.
4. Differences in Personality: Siblings may clash due to differences in personality, temperament, or interests.
5. Power Struggles: As children assert their independence, power struggles can emerge, leading to conflicts over control and authority.
6. Parental Comparison: Siblings may resent being compared to each other by parents or caregivers, leading to tension and resentment.
7. Age Gap: Age differences can contribute to misunderstandings and conflicts as siblings may have different needs, abilities, and perspectives.
8. Seeking Attention: Siblings may engage in disruptive behavior to gain attention from parents or caregivers, sparking conflicts with their siblings.
9. Miscommunication: Poor communication skills or misinterpretations of each other’s intentions can lead to misunderstandings and arguments.
10. Pent-up Emotions: Unresolved conflicts, past grievances, or built-up frustrations can erupt into fights between siblings.

Now, onto some tips! Here are three tried-and-true tips you can use to foster sibling harmony in your home.

3 Tips for Fostering Sibling Relationships

Tip #1 What to do When Kids Fight: The 3 B’s Method

This is an effective positive discipline tool created by Jane Nelson. It’s all about giving your kids the space to work through their differences without you having to play the role of judge or taking sides. Here’s how it works:

• “Bear it” – where you sort of just hang around, looking at your children, without saying anything or taking sides
• “Beat it” – where you leave them to it and give them some space, perhaps leaving the room
• “Boot ’em out” – where you tell them go to a room or outside until they’ve sorted things out

The idea behind these approaches is to let them work through their differences without you taking sides. Of course, if things get physical or if it’s the same old argument on repeat, it might be time for a calm chat afterward. Get them involved in finding solutions, like taking turns with a timer or using kind words instead of yelling. When children have a say in the process, they’re more likely to cooperate.

I also like this method because it helps me stay out of the “judge” role. When my children were younger and I heard them squabble, I was constantly playing judge, and trying to give them the “correct” solution. Now, my children have learned they are capable to problem solve and work with each other. It has been much more effective and I see their relationships with each other improve because mom is not taking sides.

Tip #2 What to do When Kids Fight: Nurture Relationships with Faith

As Christian parents, we have a unique opportunity to nurture sibling relationships through faith. Here are a few ways to incorporate spirituality into your family’s daily routine:

1. Pray Together: Encourage your kids to pray for each other and their relationship. I have started the habit of having my children go in their room after Bible time once a week, just to pray with each other for a few minutes. I want to be proactive in fostering a spiritual relationship. So whether it’s a weekly prayer time, a bedtime prayer or a heartfelt plea for patience during a disagreement, prayer can bring your children closer together and remind them of the importance of love and forgiveness.
2. Read Scripture About Siblings: Dive into the Bible and explore stories of sibling relationships. From Cain and Abel to Joseph and his brothers, there are plenty of lessons to be learned about love, forgiveness, and reconciliation. After reading a passage, take time to discuss what you’ve learned and how it applies to your own family dynamics.

Tip #3: What to do When Kids Fight: Cultivate Sibling Relationships

Finally, take proactive steps to nurture your children’s bond with each other:

1. Work Together: Assigning your kids tasks to do together can help strengthen their bond and foster a sense of teamwork. Whether it’s folding laundry, setting the table, or working on a craft project, working together towards a common goal can create opportunities for cooperation and bonding.
2. Serve Together: Finding a service project that you can all pitch in on as a family not only helps others but also strengthens your family bond.
3. Play Together: Encourage your children to spend quality time together doing activities they both enjoy. Whether it’s playing a board game, kicking a soccer ball around in the backyard, or building a fort, shared activities can help your kids connect and create lasting memories together.
4. Speak Positively: From the moment my second child was on the way, I made sure to involve my oldest and let her know that this was her baby sister, not just my baby. I do my best (although I’m not perfect!) not to say anything negative about any of my children in front of their siblings. Instead, if there’s an issue, I’ll take them aside privately to discuss it. This way, they don’t start thinking that one of them is always the troublemaker.

Now, I noticed you said there is a 5 and 7 year gap.

So here are a few tips for specific bigger age gaps:

1. Encourage Mutual Respect: With a significant age difference, it’s natural for the older sibling to feel a sense of authority and the younger one to feel a bit intimidated. Encourage mutual respect by emphasizing the strengths of each child. Acknowledge the older sibling’s role as a mentor, role model and guide, while also recognizing the younger one’s unique perspectives and abilities. I’ve also taught my older children that please and thank you go a long way. You know, just to make sure they don’t come across as too bossy.
2. Facilitate Age-Appropriate Activities: Plan activities that speak to both children’s interests and abilities. While the older sibling might enjoy more complex games or hobbies, find ways to involve the younger one in simpler tasks or modified versions of the activity. This fosters a sense of inclusivity and prevents feelings of exclusion or resentment.
3. Promote Sibling Bonding Time: Set aside dedicated time for the siblings to bond and connect. Whether it’s reading together, going for a walk, or playing a game as a family, creating opportunities for shared experiences strengthens their relationship and reduces rivalry. Encourage them to find common ground and explore mutual interests.
4. Teach Conflict Resolution Skills: Help your children develop healthy ways to resolve conflicts. Teach them to express their feelings calmly, listen to each other’s perspectives, and work together to find solutions. Encourage them to use “I” statements to express their emotions and avoid blaming or criticizing each other. I’ve been teaching my children this model: “I feel (name their emotion) when you (name the behavior).” Like, for instance, “I felt really sad when you laughed at me when I was sick.”
5. Celebrate Individual Achievements: Recognize and celebrate each child’s accomplishments, whether big or small. This helps build self-esteem and prevents feelings of jealousy or competition between siblings. Encourage them to support and cheer each other on, fostering a sense of camaraderie rather than rivalry. For example, we have consistently made it a point that our whole family goes to each other’s sports games and shows, that we are a family that supports and cheers each other on.

In conclusion, navigating sibling relationships, especially amidst constant arguing, can be a challenging yet rewarding journey in parenting. It’s essential to recognize that sibling rivalry is a natural part of family dynamics, with roots stretching back through history. By understanding the reasons behind sibling fights and implementing effective strategies like the 3 B’s method, nurturing relationships with faith, and fostering sibling bonding, parents can help their children develop vital skills like conflict resolution, communication, and empathy. Remember, every disagreement presents an opportunity for growth and learning, strengthening the unique bond shared between siblings. As we embark on this parenting journey together, may we find encouragement and wisdom in guiding our children towards deeper connections and lasting harmony.

Blessings in your parenting journey,

Kristin